Not Friends

Today I had an experience that I hope to never have again. (Probably because I may never date again.) It was terrifying and ugly and I still feel completely shaken to my core.

You see, today I was going to hangout with Chase. As friends of course. While I was driving us to Red Robin ( hungry for lunch) Chase suddenly brought up that he was trying to move again so he could take the cats. My immediate response to this, of course, was “They are not your cats anymore”. He completely lost it. I've never been so terrified in my life. First threatening to jump out of the car, then screaming at me and making vulgar gestures, eventually indeed jumping out of the car when we were at a stop, then, once back in, using an umbrella to hit himself repeatedly in the face, the entire time shaking with rage and screaming…and all I am doing is just trying to drive, sob, and stay in control.

All while this is going on he's screaming at me that he's going to kill himself, that it's my fault. I've never felt so trapped in all my life. Do I get away from him or do I have to stay near him so he doesn't hurt himself? By the time I got us back to his car (screw lunch), I was a sobbing mess, shaking and, I admit, blindly driving, and he, bleeding from his forehead, professing his undying love for me.

We cannot be friends. I know that now. He is too unstable and the wounds are too fresh.

I will give him the cats if he asks for them. Yes they are my children and I love them more than anything, but he clearly needs them more than I to survive.

This day was utterly defeating. I don't even care about my food.


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