Today has been a really tough day. I made poor food choices which made me just feel physically gross and then I watched a really bad angled video of myself for my nutrition counseling class. And all the self-esteem and confidence I’ve worked hard on building for years (emphasis: years) completely crumbled. I am suddenly an overweight ugly middle schooler with awkward social skills worth nothing.
I know. Crazy right? One 16 minute video completely tore me down.
I struggled with myself for awhile. Thought about throwing all my food out and never eating again. Instead I started downing water to ward off any sort of hunger feelings. Finally, when I couldn’t stand myself any longer, I went to the gym and did a really punishing 60 minute lap swim. By the end of it, I was crying. I’d had a revelation.
I’m still struggling. My disordered eating is not gone. In fact, it will probably always be something I work on. Always. No matter how many big moves I take (exercising just for enjoyment, being able to eat trail mix, not feeling guilt over foods, ect), there can still always be one tiny thing (a photograph, a video, a comment even) that can destroy me.
And that brings me to what I realized in the pool: I’m too close to nutrition. I hate this field because I am still so uncomfortable talking about it because I’m still struggling with it. I cannot stand to hear other people talk about foods as “good” and “bad” because I’m not solid on not thinking about them that way either.
I didn’t tell you all, but the one dietetic internship I applied for, at Bastyr (my school), who got 124 applicants, called me back for an interview. I made the 50% cut. Next they whittle it down to 12 and those are the people who are accepted. But I do not want the internship. It’s really hard to say this because this is something I’ve been working so hard towards for years. It’s so competitive to get and I’m so lucky to even get a chance…but honestly, I think I need to cancel my internship interview. For my own mental, physical, and emotional health. I need to get away from nutrition.
I don’t know how to tell my parents this, so hopefully my mom is reading this here and could talk to my dad…but I’m sorry. I am still going to graduate with a Bachelor’s in Nutrition but I do not want to be a Registered Dietician. In fact, I may not want to touch the nutrition field ever. I’m not okay enough.