I need to write this.

Hey everyone,

Today has been a really tough day. I made poor food choices which made me just feel physically gross and then I watched a really bad angled video of myself for my nutrition counseling class. And all the self-esteem and confidence I’ve worked hard on building for years (emphasis: years) completely crumbled. I am suddenly an overweight ugly middle schooler with awkward social skills worth nothing.

I know. Crazy right? One 16 minute video completely tore me down.

I struggled with myself for awhile. Thought about throwing all my food out and never eating again. Instead I started downing water to ward off any sort of hunger feelings. Finally, when I couldn’t stand myself any longer, I went to the gym and did a really punishing 60 minute lap swim. By the end of it, I was crying. I’d had a revelation.

I’m still struggling. My disordered eating is not gone. In fact, it will probably always be something I work on. Always. No matter how many big moves I take (exercising just for enjoyment, being able to eat trail mix, not feeling guilt over foods, ect), there can still always be one tiny thing (a photograph, a video, a comment even) that can destroy me.

And that brings me to what I realized in the pool: I’m too close to nutrition. I hate this field because I am still so uncomfortable talking about it because I’m still struggling with it. I cannot stand to hear other people talk about foods as “good” and “bad” because I’m not solid on not thinking about them that way either.

I didn’t tell you all, but the one dietetic internship I applied for, at Bastyr (my school), who got 124 applicants, called me back for an interview. I made the 50% cut. Next they whittle it down to 12 and those are the people who are accepted. But I do not want the internship. It’s really hard to say this because this is something I’ve been working so hard towards for years. It’s so competitive to get and I’m so lucky to even get a chance…but honestly, I think I need to cancel my internship interview. For my own mental, physical, and emotional health. I need to get away from nutrition.

I don’t know how to tell my parents this, so hopefully my mom is reading this here and could talk to my dad…but I’m sorry. I am still going to graduate with a Bachelor’s in Nutrition but I do not want to be a Registered Dietician. In fact, I may not want to touch the nutrition field ever. I’m not okay enough.

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4 thoughts on “I need to write this.

  1. Robyn,
    I’ll avoid getting into details or opinions about the choice you made because it’s not my place to comment in this case, but I DO have to say that your coming forward, being honest with yourself especially, and admitting that you do not want to go for nutrition because it really is not right for you and what you need right now is incredibly courageous. The feeling of letting something go not only that you have worked hard for, but also that has been built up or anticipated by people who want the best for you is really devastating, and leaves a giant void where you normally have something to fall back on. Your honesty here truly resonates with me and the way I feel about trying to get into medical school right now. There are many aspects of my personal life, psychology and mental health that I am working to mend and strengthen, and I truly feel that pushing myself at this point to continue with something as competitive as the medical field will really stunt my progress and set me back such that it will be even harder to recover afterward, sort of like stuffing all your crap in the closet instead of really cleaning it out. It just accumulates. Feel free to email me if you’d like to talk about anything. I’m really happy to listen and talk back! You have your needs at the forefront now, and that is most important ❤

    • Thank you, Adriana ❤ I'd love to talk more. Sorry still trying to just keep on getting by with school/work/life and am feeling completely drained. Taking a "recluse week" though so I will be in contact soon.

  2. Robyn!! I can totally empathize with you, you feel like you got this, but really I totally agree with you in the fact that maybe it’s to close to home for you RIGHT NOW! Maybe in the future you can become an RD but for now work on your struggles. I’ve told you this before but I so admire you, you are way stronger than you think.. I know it’s going to be a hard situation to talk to your parents but the one thing I know of since I am one, is you will be forgiven and still loved I promise🌹🌺🌻🌸🌼 like Adriana said please email me or call me whenever you need me. I’m thinking of you Boo, your going to be okay 😻

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