Ends Well

So this may turn into a pretty emotional blog for awhile. I hope that’s okay with you all because I totally need a place to share my feelings and stop pretending like I’m fine, like I must at work. Don’t worry, there will still be all the foods!

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So yesterday I woke up with puffy eyes and a lost feeling inside. I know I’ve done the right thing by deciding to be on my own. (I never have been before. I’ve been attached to a man since I was 14 years old.) I want to work on myself, become the person I want to be, learn to love myself. This sadly has to be done singularly. But even knowing all this I felt scared and so very incomplete. I put on my makeup and tried to mask the pain with a smile and went to work.

However, at work I just got more shattering news that made me unable to hide my sadness. My favorite boss of all time is transferring to another store due to this one being too stressful. I’m so sad to see her go because she was the main reason I loved my job so much. I also feel a loss of morale. How can a team survive when even their captain jumps ship?

On my 10 minute break I enjoyed a double short ristretto toffee nut soy latte. We had a lot of people call in sick so none of us (the three early morning people) were sure when we’d get our breakfast breaks, so I knew I needed the the calories to keep me going.

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Surprisingly though it turned out to not be so bad due to one “sick” person coming in to work their shift! Phew. I was so relieved to see their face because it was so hard to keep a smile plastered on mine. (I usually float and work the oven but since we were a man down I had to be on the cash register, actually dealing with people.)

On my breakfast I ate all sorts of different things: Evolution Fresh Super Green juice, celery sticks with sesame vinaigrette, salmon onigiri, trail mix, and (because I was still hungry) a Petite Vanilla Bean Scone. This is probably my favorite food item we sell because it’s reasonable to me. 120 calories, 2g saturated fat. Compared to other things this is amazing!

After refueling it turned out we were suddenly overstaffed (since we’d freaked out and called in extra help when we thought we would have less). I offered to leave early since I was not so successful at hiding my sad face and went to swim it off. I ended up crying on my walk to the gym. I’m not holding together as well as I thought I would.

Since I didn’t swim Friday I did a 60 minute lap swim followed by a quick soak in the hot tub. I’m super lucky that my mom is hopefully setting up an appointment to see a podiatrist when I go home for Xmas. My right foot is seriously not doing well. =(

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I got home by noon and ate lunch around 1pm. Leftover curry rice (sadly not very much due to yesterday’s face stuffing fest), raw red cabbage, kaki-pi, and most of a double tall ristretto 1.5 pump raspberry, 1.5 pump white chocolate latte. I didn’t overeat or anything but I will note that the food helped me feel whole inside. While I was eating, Chase actually showed up to pick up more of his big stuff with a U-Haul van. I was so excited to see him and crushed all at the same time. We were being such good friends this past month but the actual move-out has reopened our wounds.

Once he left I cried some more then forced myself to be single and independent by doing some errands. I survived the Bellevue traffic!

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Once home again I snacked some some PB&J Wheat Thins with some milk while I cleaned and tidied up my place. It still is depressing with huge bare spots where Chase’s things used to be. I need to completely rearrange to make it something I like.

I had my friend Chris completely surprise me by being totally there for me. I wasn’t expecting it, but he showed up at my door to hang out with me so I felt less alone. We played Magic (ok more like he killed me at Magic..I haven’t played in way too long), drank wine (2 glasses), and just laughed and kept me distracted from life. It was exactly what I needed. I also felt like I could just be myself which felt great. No pretending.

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By 7pm he was off and I was making dinner for myself. Butternut squash ravioli, sautéed Brussels sprouts with garlic and cranberries, balsamic glaze, and parmesan. So yum. And apparently I’ve been stuffing myself full of ravioli these past years because Chase and I would share and I wouldn’t want to miss out on my portion. The amount I served last night was perfect.

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The rest of my evening was spent being me. Huddled in bed, watching Star Trek Into Darkness (an amazing Solstice gift from my friend Del), cross-stitching (I’m soo behind! I finally completed square one..), and eating two Advent calendar caramels (I’m still days behind). It was a good evening to what started off as a crap day.

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2 thoughts on “Ends Well

  1. Hi Robyn,
    This blog is turning out to be emotional for me too! I appreciate your honesty and openness here and really encourage you to keep it up. I think letting yourself hurt sometimes and having a place to share it can help you heal and learn about yourself. I sent an email to blueberriesandoats@gmail.com with a couple more questions and comments. Did you receive it? Sending calming, nourishing thoughts your way! Take it easy on yourself and remember, one day at a time, no need to think too far ahead 🙂

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