I have a confession: last night as I stayed up late watching a movie by myself I found myself binging. I knew I was doing it. I knew I wasn’t hungry. I knew I didn’t need it. But I kept eating, venomously. It’s really hard to face the fact that something’s will always be a struggle and need to continuously be worked on. I should have just brushed my teeth but in never even occurred to me.

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This morning, even though I wasn’t hungry yet, I made breakfast. I should probably work on waiting until I’m hungry. This bowl of oatmeal was amazing though. It tasted like Valentine’s Day. I cooked my regular oatmeal with a 1/2 cup of frozen berries (cherries, blackberries, and raspberries) and then topped it all with a 1/4 cup of NatureBox Chocolate Ginger Bliss mix (though with the crystalized ginger picked out and tossed in the garbage). It was so rich, bold, and delectable. I’m seriously remaking it for the actual V-Day.

To be honest I felt a little different this morning. Lately I’ve been feeling still tired down in my bones and muscles after a good night sleep, but today I felt rested, refueled, and ready to sweat. I hit the gym for a 60 minute hill stationary bike ride followed by a strength training session I missed yesterday. This time my muscles were able to keep up. I felt like me again.

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After working out I was hungry but felt like it was too early for lunch so I had a baggie of Lundberg Rice Chips.

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However those just fueled my need to reload and snack. So I turned lunch into a plate of finger food while I worked on biochemistry studying. Two big handfuls of kale chips, a juicy grapefruit, and the last of my BBQ chickpeas. I took my time eating; over an hour!

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I need to come up with a plan on forgoing snacking when I’m studying. When I studied chemistry over a year ago it was to get myself out of the house so I wouldn’t be around food, but I’m not sure if that’ll work so well now due to my lack of locations to go to. Any ideas? Because a few hours after lunch I found myself munching on another baggie of rice chips while I read about the TCA cycle. I just couldn’t take my mind off them while I read. They are all gone now and I will admit that they are still a trigger food for me.

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An hour or so after that I was convinced I needed something starchy and sweet so I cut a very thing slice of homemade spelt bread, toasted it, and slathered it with cookie butter. I so didn’t physically need this but, again, mentally I was hung up.

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I at least tried to make a healthy dinner. Instead of having a huge plate of whole wheat spaghetti I did just a small pile of spaghetti and added strips of sautéed purple cabbage to bulk it up. Then I topped it with leftover roasted red bell peppers and mushrooms, a little Alfredo sauce, and shaved parmesan. It was really very tasty and I actually really enjoyed the noodle-like cabbage. I also sipped on a glass of my Dad’s umeshu. It was just one of those days I needed a drink. 

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After dinner I found myself grabbing a handful of pretzels. =( I at least snapped a photo to admit to myself that I was eating these. I’m pretty sure that a lot of this is due to my womanly cycle. My eating always increases a week before menstruation. I know I shouldn’t be too hard on myself but when I see myself returning to these self-destructive habits and yet can’t stop myself it’s really deflating. 

Perhaps I will try to keep better track of when that usual “binge” week is and make sure I only have healthy snacks that won’t break the bank to eat in larger quantities. I actually ended up putting my NatureBox subscription on hold today because even though these snacks are healthier than others, I still think maybe I’m giving myself too many snacking options.

Anyway since I finally got all my studying done for the day I’m going to snuggle with Ophie on the couch and watch a movie. My mind needs a break.

Here’s to a better tomorrow.


2 thoughts on “Deflated

  1. In the middle of reading your post I was thinking “Robyn is soooo pms-ing!!! So am I big time!! I could have done some major damage(food wise) today but fortunately I restrained myself.. This week has also been a tough body image week I hate that, and the fact that I felt like it was okay to have ice cream everyday for the past 4 nights even though I was not hungry but felt the need to feed my pms! Oh well at least we have eachother’s back and the other millions of women who “get it”! 🙂

  2. You are right, you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself girl! Your day looks super healthy. You had well-portioned meals and snacks, and they seemed to be spaced out well, too. I think I am with you on snacking a lot around “that time” because the past few days I’ve just been hungry (or think I am) allll the time. But, like you, I choose healthy snacks to munch on, and I tell myself it’s perfectly ok!

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