Loss

Ever have one of those really emotional days? Yeah. That was today. It started just like any other day. I got up, dressed, made breakfast, enjoyed it.001

1 cup Annie’s Chocolate and Vanilla Bunnies, 1/2 cup Kashi Golean Crunch, chia seeds, pinch of toasted almonds, last of the skim milk. Refreshing and light.

Then I had class and lab. And then I got a voicemail…256834_2159907727205_1531891758_2275234_8034948_o

My favorite cousin Chris, left me the saddest message ever telling me that his daughter, Emmilyn, born at only 24 weeks old with her twin brother Raiden, died this morning. It broke my heart to hear the news and to hear his devastated voice.

It made me want to give up everything I had planned today and just go home and cry. I didn’t want to workout. I didn’t want to do chemistry. I battled within myself deciding what to do. Do I swim or go dwell on this news even though it’s over and done with and can only make me worse?011

Since my stomach was empty and I felt a huge emptiness inside me, I filled it with some sugary happiness while I mulled over my thoughts. White chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies are super decadent and over all too sweet for me now. It did help me decided to stick to my guns though, and continue on with my life.

I lap swam for 45 minutes with each stroke thinking about little Emmilyn. It was a rough swim not just emotionally though for I kept ending up with really intense headaches. I made it through it though, and was glad I put my body to work today.012

I then headed to Hastings to tell Chase the news. We ate lunch quietly together. Spring mix greens topped with some asparagus and potato salad. Filling and healthy. I also munched on last half of these Annie Chun’s Seaweed snacks and eventually ate my daily apple.

After lunch, I sat with Chase in the book section and cried.

I then stayed there and did my homework. Me failing chemistry isn’t going to give Emmilyn another chance at life.

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When I got home I again used food to try and ease my pain. A small piece of banana brownie…

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followed by a serving of Pirate’s Booty. It didn’t fill the void and I ended up crying some more, but eventually I used reading Harry Potter to distract me.

Once Chase got home we biked to his best friend’s mom’s house to celebrate his birthday. It was alright. I wasn’t really in the mood for silliness so I mostly just sat there listening.

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For “dinner” I had some fruit, a little macaroni veggie salad, a little banana pudding, and about half this mini vegetable sandwich. I ended up pulling the veggies out and eating them while leaving the bread behind. I’m such a bread snob.014

For dessert I had this little cup of vanilla ice cream. No it was nothing special and not really worth eating, but that’s pretty much my theme today. I did, however, turn down a piece of chocolate cake afterwards. 010

Once we biked back home, I knew I needed more veggies in my body. I ate the last of my asparagus and potato salad on top of some mixed greens….

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and pretty much immediately after devoured another small piece of banana brownie.

Apparently I still have some emotional eating issues. I just haven’t faced this sort of loss in a long time now.

Sorry this post is pretty melancholy and boring but I just can’t find it in myself to be exciting and happy. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. It’s Friday after all. G’night.

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