This week has been hard. Grief is never easy. It’s brought out some bad things in my life and some good things.
About a solid hour of crying later, my boss called to inform me that my dear friend and coworker, Aaron, committed suicide last night.
I wish I had words to express what I’m feeling. I can’t stop crying. I can’t help but feel like I failed him. I miss him so much. I keep expecting to hear his sunny voice and hear his laugh because this was all a prank.
I can’t focus on anything. My thoughts come back to him and tears build up in my eyes.
He was the first person to reach out to me when I was, for the first time in my life, entirely alone. He brought me to his family Thanksgiving and I’d never felt more welcomed to anything in my life; completely embraced and accepted. He was the first to start off my new life of openness and involvement. He was the first to call me a friend when I had none. He was the first and I will always love him for that.
Today I had an experience that I hope to never have again. (Probably because I may never date again.) It was terrifying and ugly and I still feel completely shaken to my core.
You see, today I was going to hangout with Chase. As friends of course. While I was driving us to Red Robin (2pm..so hungry for lunch) Chase suddenly brought up that he was trying to move again so he could take the cats. My immediate response to this, of course, was “They are not your cats anymore”. He completely lost it. I've never been so terrified in my life. First threatening to jump out of the car, then screaming at me and making vulgar gestures, eventually indeed jumping out of the car when we were at a stop, then, once back in, using an umbrella to hit himself repeatedly in the face, the entire time shaking with rage and screaming…and all I am doing is just trying to drive, sob, and stay in control.
All while this is going on he's screaming at me that he's going to kill himself, that it's my fault. I've never felt so trapped in all my life. Do I get away from him or do I have to stay near him so he doesn't hurt himself? By the time I got us back to his car (screw lunch), I was a sobbing mess, shaking and, I admit, blindly driving, and he, bleeding from his forehead, professing his undying love for me.
We cannot be friends. I know that now. He is too unstable and the wounds are too fresh.
I will give him the cats if he asks for them. Yes they are my children and I love them more than anything, but he clearly needs them more than I to survive.
This day was utterly defeating. I don't even care about my food.
Gonna do a wordless for Thursday. It was a really heavy day emotionally and I’d like to take more time to talk about it than I have right now. However, today is the last day of classes!!! Just finals next week then two weeks of Spring Break!
Not having a ton of papers to write, nor work, nor social obligations, totally allows me to have time to post!
This morning started off hard. Knowing I had plans in the evening, my workout buddy, Nick, and I agreed to meet at the gym at 6am. Boy did I feel that when I slid out of bed. On top of being tired and very sore from the previous workout, I was also very hungry! So for “breakfast” I had a banana and peanut butter with a glass of 1% milk.
Then off to the gym I went! 30 minute elliptical, 25 minute strength training, 5 minute stretch. Then I had to rush home!
I’m not falling back behind yet! HA!
This morning was..Tuesday. Right? Yes. It was Tuesday. I woke up with my arm asleep above my head. This is a new habit for me and I don’t understand why I do it. I never used to have dead arms waking up! It’s very uncomfortable. -_-
For breakfast I went with Weetabix, plum, toasted cashews, and dried cranberries. Man I love how easy cereal is and how satisfied it makes me. The babies absolutely love it too. They lick my bowl clean.
Arg. It’s so hard playing catch-up like this. =/ Are you sure you guys really care what I eat? My photos have gone sooo downhill since I just don’t have time to make things pretty anymore.
Sunday was super rough because at 7am I got a call from my shift leader asking if I could come into work early since someone went home sick. I wasn’t supposed to work until 10 am! Of course I told her I’d be there and got straight to work.
However, I didn’t have breakfast so while working, I had to slowly eat some things. I didn’t get photos (duh) but I can certainly remember:
1/4 of a vegetable & Fontiago breakfast sandwich (Meh this new sandwich is a lot heartier than the previous Vegetable Artisan sandwich, but it still isn’t very tasty IMO)
1/2 of a blueberry scone
One chocolate smoothie with two add shots
I know O.O A lot! But this was eaten over a period of hours and continually being on my feet.
Well guys..I’ve recently had another melt down so I’m finding it hard to find time to blog. I can hardly remember most days now, let alone what I eat. =( Let me try to catch up and spark my memory
Friday morning started off bright and early with a yogurt bowl of Chobani Mango 2% Greek yogurt, a cut up plum, raw oats, and almonds and dried cranberries. Not gonna lie…just looking at this makes me want to eat it right now!
I then headed to class to watch half my classmates present their supplement company research projects. Boring. -_-
So Thursday morning the babies had me up at 6am. They didn’t care that I didn’t have class until 10am. I don’t understand why they couldn’t just bug our guest on the couch instead of me! Is that bad hostess-thinking? =p
Anyway, I got up and made us all breakfast. Green smoothies! Martin had never had a green smoothie so I had to show him the light. Inside was milk, spinach, frozen banana, frozen mango chunks, and coconut oil. Delicious! He thought it was just okay, but this guy is annoyingly under impressed so whatever. =P